apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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