Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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