So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
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