I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
