I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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