if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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