Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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