I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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