What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
