I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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