can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize