I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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