I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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