I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
