I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
