I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I just gargled with NyQuil