There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Well I just put wine in my tea
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
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