you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
