We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
