i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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