you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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