I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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