I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You made out with two different species that night
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
