I'm going to jail i love you
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
