you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
