then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
