I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
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