The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
