guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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