Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
