umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize