I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
