I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
