I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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