Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
