she woke up with a sticky ear
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
