I'm laying in your front yard are you home
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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