Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
