We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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