I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
