Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize