Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
