I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I need to calm my uterus...
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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