I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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