I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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