cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
