1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
