I am spending my child support on dildos
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
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