apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
