Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
