hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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