spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
