i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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