...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
