Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
