Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
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