How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
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It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
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And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize