Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
