My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Randomize
