I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
