mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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