Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
