see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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