guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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