I accidentally burped into my bong.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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