paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
