why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
