if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
