If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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